This morning I stumbled across a blog of a lady who had a stillborn baby at 37 weeks. Of course as a mom I was moved and saddened by this. Then my husband said today is Dad's birthday. Then my memory hit me hard, it was also Luke's due date. He would have been 5. I often think how different our lives would have been if I hadn't miscarried at 15 weeks, if he had made it to full term, if Logan had a brother, so close to his age to play with, if we were celebrating his birthday today. Of course I realize that we wouldn't have our two beautiful daughters and am grateful for the life we have but sometimes you just wonder.
The strange thing about having a miscarriage (or two) is that you discover it is really a common thing. Most of my friends have had at least one, many have had multiple. My most vivid memories of finding out that I was miscarrying was at that ultrasound when the Dr said there was no heartbeat, then he assured me it was ok to cry, I was trying to hold it in, worried about others comfort. Knowing my daughter and son were out in the hall, worried about telling them, worried about telling my sister who was also pregnant, worried about being able to move on. We didn't plan on having Luke, as a matter a fact it was kind of hard to deal with at first, but as time went on we were getting excited. The age difference between Logan and his sisters was 8 & 12 years, so it would be great for him to have a sibling closer in age, and how crazy to have 4 kids?
After I delivered him, in our bedroom, I remember looking at how perfect he was, 10 fingers, 10 toes, everything so unbelievable tiny. The next day I was taking a shower and I remember leaning against the wall crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath wondering if I was to get pregnant again right away would all this pain go away? Then, what if it happened again? (It did) How would I survive? (I have)
It has been over 5 years now, and although I have had two healthy daughters since then I still think of our little boy that didn't make it and wonder what he would be like today. I miss you sweet one.